Excelling in Marriage
The couple that stands before their friends and family and in front of the preacher in a gleaming white dress and an immaculate tux, with flutters in their hearts and beaming smiles on their faces (and maybe tears in their eyes), can never imagine the time when they won’t feel overwhelmed by love.
Marriage, when two people are walking with Christ, is gloriously wonderful, but too often it can degrade into a horror of two enemies co-existing in the same foxhole, battling ruthlessly for supremacy. You and I have seen it with family members and neighbors and coworkers and church friends. Marriage is supposed to be gloriously satisfying, and too often it just ends up as another battlefront.
How Marriage Can Go Wrong
I used to find it something of a curiosity that Peter, in a letter that is predominantly about suffering, has an extended section in it on marriage. Why all this talk about marriage in a book on suffering, Peter? Because there is much suffering in marriage. We see many trials that can come in marriage in 1 Peter 3:1-7.
There are disobedient husbands (3:1). Peter is careful to say the problem is not that they are disobedient to their wives, but that they are disobedient to the Word of God. The implication is that they know what the Scriptures teach about a given issue, and they are willing to ignore and disobey it.
Wives are tempted be concerned with externals more than internals (3:3-4). One temptation for a woman to win her disobedient husband back is to focus on the externals—to go to the gym and lose ten pounds to fit into his favorite outfit and go to the beauty salon to get the latest haircut. It’s not a sin to look attractive, but Peter is warning against putting a pretty package around dead bones. Just as a man might be deluded into thinking disobedience is irrelevant, a woman might be deluded into thinking that as long as the package is pretty she can have snake’s venom for a tongue.
Wives are tempted to be fearful about doing what is right (3:6). While we like to think that doing the right thing will be applauded by others, sometimes doing the right thing leaves us in a precarious position (2:12). A woman might know the right thing to do in relation to her unbelieving husband. But she also might believe that if she does that right thing, he will respond in anger or file for divorce, leaving her and the children financially destitute.
Husbands are tempted to be undiscerning of the needs of their wives (3:7a). Husbands should be understanding of their wives. They should have knowledge about them personally and their roles generally. They should particularly understand their wives’ need to submit (v. 1), and that they need to submit to them and their (at times) unwise and foolish leadership. And that makes life hard for her. Peter tells them to live with their wives in an understanding way because it is the natural inclination of a man not to treat his wife this way. The result is that in his self-centeredness he becomes uncompassionate, uncaring, and disinterested.
Husbands are tempted to overestimate their spiritual authority (3:7b). It is absolutely true that the husband is the head of the home. He is the spiritual leader. He is the one who is ultimately responsible for the spiritual welfare of the home. But he should never be deluded into thinking that his wife’s position is inconsequential. She is a fellow heir of the grace of life. They have differing responsibilities from God, but they are completely equal in their standing before God. And sometimes a husband will forget that reality, overstep his authority, step on his wife, and demean her personally and positionally. And that marriage will quickly go wrong.
So that’s the marital world in which we live—there is disobedience and sin, misplaced motives, fear, lack of discernment and compassion, and misunderstanding of purpose. Is there any hope? There is.
Peter also gives us much hope for how we are to direct our thinking and actions, and it starts with one small phrase that Peter writes twice:
One Short Phrase to Guide Our Thinking (3:1, 7)
Peter uses the conjunction, “In the same way” in verses 1 and 7. The direct antecedent to the first use of this term in 3:1 is the example of Christ (2:21), and while we rightly assume that refers to His submission to the will of the Father, it also means something else. It means that just as Christ endured His suffering at the cross in a way that glorified God, so believers should endure suffering in marriage in a way that honors God. When your marriage goes wrong, cultivate the attitudes that honor Christ when any believer in Christ suffers in any kind of circumstance.
So, when your marriage goes wrong, follow the example of Christ:
Though He suffered, it was not because He sinned and deserved the consequence of suffering (v. 22).
He did not reciprocate or retaliate with the same kinds of injustice He had to endure (v. 23).
He entrusted Himself to the care of God who is just and fair (v. 23; cf. Romans 12:19).
But notice something else as well; I believe that “in the same way” extends past the reference to Christ and goes back at least to 2:11-12 where Peter instructs believers how to live amid trials. So the way a wife lives with an unbelieving husband and the way a husband lives with his wife is to be in the same manner as any believer lives in any difficulty. Consider some implications for suffering marriages from Peter’s letter.
When Marriage Goes Wrong, Remember…
Work for the salvation of your spouse by the excellence of your character (2:12; 3:1). In 1 Peter 2:12, Peter instructs, “Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles.” The word excellent is often translated, “good,” as in something done “well” or “beautifully.” So when a believer is treated unjustly the first impulse should be to ask, “Is my response indicative of my position in Christ?” “Is my faith being lived well and beautifully?” Notice also that because of Christ, it is possible to live well even when treated poorly by ungodly unbelievers. The great testimony of a wife to her unbelieving husband is her behavior (3:1). This verse holds out hope that the gospel can change spouses and will change some, but it also reminds the one speaking the gospel that the message must be accompanied by fitting behavior.
Honor all people—even ungodly mates (2:15-17). There is a temptation when wronged and sinned against to lash out in retribution and anger. There is a tendency to want to demand justice in very loud terms. There is a desire to exercise our freedoms and rights (v. 16). Yes, we have been given freedoms. Yes there is justice and it is not wrong to pursue it. But can I use my freedom as a means of demonstrating that I am a slave (which is what “bondslave” means) of God (v. 16b)? So Peter further applies this by saying, “Honor all people” (2:17). The word honor means to treat with respect, to speak rightly and fittingly for the position of another. This principle applies to ungodly mates as much as it does to ungodly governmental rulers, neighbors, or coworkers.
There is value in patient endurance (2:18-20). Put us in a situation where we think we are owed something better, and impatience can rise like a mushroom cloud after an atomic explosion. But notice what Peter says: When we endure with patience, “this finds favor” (v. 19). The word “favor” is usually translated, “grace.” So when we endure with patience, it is a means of experiencing the grace of God. We want out of the circumstance so that we can have relief, but it is only when we are under pressure and in trial that we will experience the surpassing power and grace of God.
You have been called to suffer (2:21). We’ve already alluded to the truth that suffering is a reality in life. Suffering is not unusual (4:12). But here Peter observes that it is also our calling—“we have been called to this purpose” (2:21)—to follow the example of Christ in His suffering. He suffered with joy for us. We suffer for joy with Him, including in hard marriages. (I am speaking here of “normal” hard marriages, and not addressing the topic of abusive—particularly physically or sexually abusive—marriages. That’s a different topic for another post.)
You are in your marriage as a means of grace to your spouse (3:1, 7). Your expectation in marriage is that someone will now meet all your needs. God’s expectation is that you have been placed in that marriage to meet someone else’s needs, regardless of whether that person meets your needs, because God has met and is meeting all your needs.
Your goal is your personal transformation (3:1-3, 7). The goal of the believing (or “right”) spouse in a difficult marriage is often to change the other person. “If she changes…” and “If he’d just change…” are common refrains. “Fix my marriage by fixing my spouse. Make her listen to me so that she knows I’m right.” God is interested in fixing your marriage. But often that “fixing” starts by changing you. When you have a disobedient husband, it is your behavior that needs to be transformed into actions that are pure and respectful. And when you have a wife who is weak and “lagging behind,” it is you that must be transformed into one who is compassionate, gentle, tender, and honoring.
It is possible to be godly (and content) when your spouse is ungodly (3:2, 7). It is possible to honor the Lord with your actions even when you are in a hard marriage. How is that possible? “In the same way…” In the same way as what? You live in the same way as other believers in other troubling circumstances. And you live in the same way as Christ in the injustice He endured to accomplish our redemption.
Our goal in the church and in marriage is to excel still more in loving and caring for one another. This passage tells us that we don’t need to live in ideal circumstances to excel in loving our spouses. But we do need to live in Christ and follow His godly example in suffering.