Enlightening Questions
Accusations harden the heart; questions prick the conscience.
Of the following pairing of responses, which one provides invitation to meaningful conversations?
A. Son, I can’t believe you did that, you are grounded for life—and then some!
B. Son, could you help me understand what was going on and what you were wanting in the moment?
A. Adam, you are an idiot!
B. “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:11)
A. Simon, you lazy bum, I can’t believe you are sleeping at a time like this!
B. “Simon, are you asleep? Could you not watch one hour?” (Mark 14:37)
A. Don’t worry, be happy! Worry is nothing more than a waste of time!
B. “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” (Matthew 6:26)
Accusations harden the heart; questions prick the conscience.
While biblical counseling (discipleship) mandates speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), sometimes the most loving way to speak is through asking questions. From Genesis 3 to Revelation 18, there are approximately 3,300 questions in the Bible! Much of what Jesus taught was accomplished through His use of heart-penetrating questions. In fact, the Gospels record approximately 305 questions asked by Jesus.
Knowing His disciples would be tempted to anxiety in the trials and tribulations they would encounter in following Him, what does Jesus do in Matthew 6:25–34? While Jesus gives three commands to not be anxious, we should not fail to notice that He asks eight questions to help them understand the reasons why they should not be anxious.
Being a good friend, a good counselor, involves more than just telling someone what to do or not to do. Being a good friend involves helping others understand their situation through the lens of Scripture, their desires in the midst of the situation, their view of God in light of the situation, and finally the implications of the gospel upon their situation. Being a friend or counselor involves graciously helping others understand their struggles so that they may think, and therefore live, according to truth (Proverbs 30:5; Philippians 1:9–11; 4:8–9) for the glory of God and their own delight in Him (1 Corinthians 10:31; John 15:5–11).
Jesus asked questions to help people grow in their faith as well as to expose or enlighten others in regard to a lack of a sincere or saving faith. In Luke 6:46, Jesus asks, “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I tell you?” Of chief importance, in loving others, we want to know their answer this question asked by Jesus in Luke 9:20: “But who do you say that I am?” We should not be content to hear someone give the rote answer that he or she has “asked Jesus into my heart.” To find out what they really believe in regard to their hope of salvation, the Evangelism Explosion questions are a great starting point:
If you were to die today, do you believe that you would go to heaven?
If you were to stand before God and He were to ask you, “Why should I let you into my heaven, what would you tell Him?”
If speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) can often be done best by asking questions that help others to better understand their situation through the lens of Scripture, their desires in the midst of the situation, their view of God in light of the situation, and the implications of the gospel upon their situation, then how can we grow in learning to ask good questions? That’s a good question!
The best way to grow in asking good questions is through prayerful study of God’s Word! Asking good questions requires wisdom from God (James 1:5) and continual dependence upon Him for understanding both what others are saying as well as what God has already said about their situation in His Word (Romans 15:4; 2 Timothy 2:15; 3:16–17). Study the questions asked in the Bible in their context and you will find you are able to appropriately bring these very questions into your conversations for the enlightenment and benefit of others.
Secondarily, we can grow in the skill of asking good questions by working through good questions for the sake of our own spiritual growth. This sampling of questions from some of my favorite resources have benefited my soul immensely. Would you be willing to consider them?
1. How does the saving grace of God reveal itself when it is in one’s heart?
2. What’s the one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?
3. If you could change three things about me that would make me more Christlike, what would you change?
4. What are your plans, agendas, strategies, and intentions designed to accomplish?
Perhaps the questions that I use most in my own struggles, in parenting, and in counseling would be these questions that have been adapted from Paul Tripp’s Getting to the Heart of Parenting lectures:
1. What was going on? (SITUATION—Proverbs 18:13, 15, 17; 20:5)
2. What were you thinking/feeling? (HEART—Proverbs 23:7; Jeremiah 17:9)
3. What did you do in response? (BEHAVIOR—Proverbs 4:23)
4. What did you want? (MOTIVE—James 4:1–3; Matthew 6:21)
5. What was the result? (CONSEQUENCES—Galatians 6:7)
6. What should be most important? (WORSHIP—Matthew 22:37–39; 1 Corinthians 10:31)
“Accusations harden the heart; questions prick the conscience.”