Book Review: When Sinners Say “I Do”
I love doing premarital counseling. Really. It is so much fun to sit in a room with two people who are excited about getting married. There is a visible glow of excitement about them, eager to begin a new life together, to live together, to share every moment together, to pursue their goals, to enjoy the blessings of the marriage bed, and to begin a family. They see their spouse as almost perfect. That is when I love to assign them When Sinners Say, “I Do.” Oh, gee, thanks Pastor? It is always fun watching the look of concern on their faces when this book goes into their hands. See, before they are married this book is a bit shocking, but when you assign it for marriage counseling, the reaction is more like, “Mm-hmm, that’s right.” It’s good for us to get ahead of the curve in premarital counseling and help them understand their own sin, their future spouse’s sin, and how the gospel should affect every inch of their marriage. This is the very purpose for which the author, Dave Harvey writes this book: “Until we understand the problem, we will not be able to delight in the solution. Grace is truly amazing because of what we were saved from. . . When sin becomes bitter, marriage becomes sweet. When the sin we bring to marriage becomes real to us, then the gospel becomes vital and marriage becomes sweet” (16).
He succeeds in achieving his purpose for the book, showing clearly the problem of sin and how that infiltrates every inch of marriage as well as how the gospel is able to redeem it and make it even sweeter. Harvey does a masterful job of working through sin and our need to address it within marriage. He does this by showing how well read he is in Reformed theology, quoting many well-known theologians, choosing their best quotes with the precision of a surgeon in order to land them just where they need to be. This helps the reader receive encouragement from multiple theologians and introduces them to a treasure trove of godly believers we would want to point our counselees to.
One of the most helpful chapters for my counselees has been the first chapter. It focuses on three ideas that are needed for every marriage and gives a foundation for all marriages to work through the sin that they bring to the kitchen table.
o The Foundation of your marriage—The Bible
o The Fountain of your marriage—The Gospel
o The Focus of your marriage—The Glory of God
First, Harvey emphasizes that the way to function in marriage should be built on the foundation of the Bible. He likens it to the owner’s manual of marriage. This will help your counselees properly deal with their sin, understand their marital roles, and have the proper interpretive grid for their life in marriage. Next, he emphasizes what the Bible emphasizes—the gospel. God’s creation of marriage was good, but because of sin, it was marred. Through the perfect work of Christ on our behalf we are cleansed from our sin and made a new creation in Christ. We need that constant flow of good news in our marriages because sin will always affect them until Christ returns. Third, he emphasizes that the focus of our marriage is to glorify God. What a novel concept! It is not about fulfillment or even becoming complete, but rather for the purpose of bringing God all the glory. Although novel in today’s culture and marriages, this concept is clear in Scripture: “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). It is easy to see the need for these ideas in both premarital counseling, so that the couple have the right focus or goals in marriage, as well as in marital counseling, to remind the couple of the purpose and focus of marriage. I think this chapter and paradigm shift is worth the entire rest of the book.
The rest of the book walks you through understanding how sin affects marriage, how to use the Bible to address your own sin, confront your spouse’s sin, how to apply mercy, understand biblical forgiveness, to persist in grace throughout the marriage, how to address and understand sex, and finally how to understand losing a spouse in death.
As much as I love this book and assign it in every one of my premarital counseling sessions, I wish he had addressed the roles in marriage in more depth. This seems to continue to be a hot button issue in our culture, in evangelical circles, and unfortunately most premarital counselees have not had the best examples of this in the home they grew up in. Certainly sin has infiltrated how we understand our God given roles as man and woman, and without a proper and biblical understanding of those roles, marriage can become bitter.
This book is helpful for counselors, counselors in training for ACBC, and counselees. It will remind counselors of the importance of the gospel in all marital counseling. For those in counseling training, it is on the ACBC approved reading list, and it will help you focus on sin and communication in your counseling. This is a great resource for counselees because it focuses on the doctrine of sin, and how sin affects every aspect of marriage. It also focuses on the biblical way to work through conflict, which is lacking in most people’s understanding of marriage. Another strength of this book is its readability for relatively new Christians. In my counseling, I have had the opportunity to disciple new believers who were getting married, and this book was, by their own testimony, clear, easily understood, and helpful. I cannot recommend this book more highly; it deserves a spot on every biblical counselor’s shelf.