Be Patient with Them All

As a biblical counselor, it can be easy to be like the proverbial hammer who thinks that everything he sees is a nail. I’ve heard this tendency characterized (affectionately) as the “Martyn Lloyd Jones” school of biblical counseling: “What is your issue?” … “What does the Bible say about it?” … “Why are we still sitting here?”

Now I must say that I have nothing but the highest regard for the Good Doctor, and for the incredibly fruitful decades-long ministry he had not only as a preacher, but also as a personal minister of God’s Word. And I can identify with the urge—especially in a busy ministry—to expect an immediate, clear response to what seems to me the clear call of God’s Word on a counselee’s life. But as I reflect on my tendency to demand immediate and decisive action in response to an accurate application of the Bible’s teaching, Paul’s words in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 give me pause: 

“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”¹

My aim with this post is not to thoroughly unfold this text (as profitable as that would be!). Rather, I want to make one observation and then proceed to a threefold application. The observation I wish to make is this: having listed various kinds of people we might encounter in personal ministry (together with a different way to graciously approach each one), Paul then gives one overarching requirement: that we must be patient with all of them. With this emphasis in Paul’s instruction on counseling, it will be worth our while to consider three broadly applicable ways we can practice patience in our ministry.

Step One: Release the Pressure

A dynamic I have seen in counseling (both in formal and informal situations) is that counselees can often accept the validity of my conclusions (regarding circumstances and the application of Scripture), without having understood a way forward that seems workable to them.

For example, I may tell a person who is experiencing relational conflict that it seems that she needs to lovingly confront the person who has sinned against her, and point her to Matthew 18:15-17 to help her understand what the Bible teaches about this. She might leave our conversation convicted that she needs to take immediate action—I’ve told her the situation appears to fit the description in Matthew 18, and she can see that Jesus is giving an urgent command here. But as she thinks about how this might go, she starts feeling pressure from a couple of directions.

On the one hand, a spiritual leader in her life has suggested that faithfulness requires a loving confrontation of sin. On the other hand, she feels totally inadequate and unprepared to articulate or defend this position to the person she is supposed to lovingly confront. She feels trapped: she’s either going to disobey, or she’s going to walk into a situation that she feels she hasn’t understood well, with an assignment she hasn’t understood well either.

So: how to release this pressure?

It is important to note that by “releasing pressure,” I do not mean to set a goal of removing the conviction of the Spirit! (I will discuss this aspect more below.) Rather, by releasing pressure, what I mean is that I can immediately communicate some things that will help her understand that she does not need to take any steps on this until she has understood and become prepared to act in accord with what Matthew 18:15 teaches.

This could take several forms—for example, I might say something like this: 

Now although God does require you to take these steps when they apply, I want you to know also that this doesn’t all need to happen immediately.

If you’re not sure whether the offense arises to a sin that needs to be confronted, we can take some time to look at what the Bible has to say about this particular issue.

Or, if the issue is that you just think you might freeze if you have to bring this up with the other person face-to-face, I don’t want you to feel like you have to go and confront them right this minute.

Whatever the case, you should know that I want to walk patiently alongside you in this, and I will do my best to make sure that you have understood exactly what the Bible says about this offense, and that you have practiced how you’re going to say it, and tried to anticipate what the person’s response might be, so that you’re as prepared as you can be.

Yes, the Bible requires immediate obedience to what it teaches—but you obeying immediately by faith can include this process of learning more to become better equipped to take these steps of obedience.

I would explain that between studying Scripture, praying for wisdom, and using “role play” to practice how it might go, it might be best for this to take even several weeks before it’s time to finally take some of the harder steps that would otherwise have her feeling pressured at this point.

Step Two: Discuss the Options

Having made the effort to release the initial pressure, I would try to help the counselee understand the various ways she might approach her relational difficulty. 

I might affirm the possibility that her hesitancy to confront could be connected with a godly desire to let love cover the offense (1 Peter 4:8; Proverbs 19:11). In this case, we would take the time to investigate whether “overlooking the matter” would be the most loving thing for that other person, or if it would be more loving to try to help that person see the offense and deal with it biblically.

I would also walk her through Matthew 7:1-5 and help her try to discern what log(s) she needs to address in her own eye, before moving to address the speck in her friend’s eye.

Finally, if we determine that faithfulness does require a confrontation, we would talk through any reasons she might be fearful about taking this step. Does she need more biblical teaching on the offense, what repentance would look like, or other aspects of the situation? Does she need more practice in the form of several sessions of “role playing,” where she does her part and my wife or I play the part of the other party? Would it be more comfortable to write out what she’s going to say ahead of time, and ask the other person if it’s okay if she just reads her part? And then, if she “freezes” on the follow-up, perhaps she could be prepared to ask for time to pray and study and seek counsel before she responds to her friend’s response.

Step Three: Establish the Plan

Having discussed the options, it will be necessary to ensure that the Spirit’s conviction is obeyed in the form of committing to a specific plan.

Hopefully the pressure of being unprepared and lacking understanding has been released, but there must still be a godly resolve to steadily (if slowly) work towards full obedience.

I would refer to this as a “fallible, dependent” plan—it would be our invention in the counseling room, and therefore human, and therefore changeable. Although it is possible that we would decide more time is necessary between certain steps, etc., I would set specific deadlines (dates) for each planned step, and communicate that barring unforeseen complications, I would hold her accountable to take the planned steps by the specified dates.

Conclusion

Although the scenario I’ve focused on here more likely relates to the fainthearted, these applications of patience would have relevance to the weak and unruly as well.

Life and relationships are often complex and messy, and it is important to communicate to those who are struggling that we will walk patiently alongside them as we seek to better understand their circumstances and relationships in light of Scripture, and to help them gain that understanding as well.

If we can communicate both a firm commitment to biblical accountability along with a clear plan, then there will be much hope for the counselee that the needed change will be understandable and achievable.

And several weeks down the road, perhaps, we will see that they’ve understood their problem; they’ve understood what the Bible says about it; and they’re no longer “sitting here!”

¹ Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations in this post are from the ESV translation. (Emphasis added.)