Avoiding the Subtle Snare of Judging Motives
Love Requires Confronting Sin and Sin Is a Matter of the Heart
As Christians, we want to love our brothers and sisters well. And for all Christians—especially for biblical counselors—texts like Galatians 6:1-2 teach that one of the most important ways for us to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, is to help them see and repent of their sin:
“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.”¹
James speaks also of how this kind of ministry rescues sinners and—like love itself (cf. 1 Peter 4:8)—covers a multitude of sins (James 5:19-20).
These texts together with many others (Hebrews 3:13; Matthew 18:15; etc.) command us to be ready to help our fellow believers as we have opportunity, so that they would be released from the trap of sin and turn from the error of their ways.
Furthermore, we know that sin and repentance are matters of the heart (Proverbs 4:23; Matthew 12:34; 15:18; Mark 7:21; Luke 6:45).
It may rightly strike us as unloving to suggest to a brother or sister who is apparently caught in sin, that the only thing they need is an external step of obedience.
A Loving Impulse Gone Astray
And so, on the basis of the reasoning just laid out, any one of us might try to come alongside another professing believer in whom we’ve seen a concerning pattern of speech or conduct.
I want to ask you to imagine with me one such scenario. Imagine that I’ve seen a brother in Christ respond to several different people (including myself), on different occasions, in ways that strike me as overly abrupt, lacking compassion and love, and perhaps even as impatient. Out of love for my brother, I approach him and share my concerns with him.
He thanks me for my concern and lets me know that he’ll take it into consideration. He says he’s not sure he agrees with everything that I’ve said, but that he knows he’s a sinner, and that he will try to be more sensitive in the future. With regard to a specific situation in which I said his words hurt me, he says he didn’t realize that was hurtful, but that he now sees that he sinned against me with his words, and he asks my forgiveness.
As I sit there and consider his response, I’m not immediately sure how I should respond. At first it seems like forgiving him could be the right thing to do. But then, I think: I’m not sure he gets it. His matter-of-fact, unemotional response suggests to me that he’s not really grieved over his sin. And the truth is, this would fit with his long-term pattern that had me concerned in the first place.
And I think to myself: I’m afraid it wouldn’t be loving for me to just forgive this brother and let it go at that. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t grasp the weight of his sin, and maybe the more loving thing would be for me to not forgive him until I’m sure he has repented at the heart level, and not just at the surface level. If I don’t require him to repent at the heart level, I think, he will probably suffer even worse consequences in the future, as will others who continue to be the victims of his lack of compassion and patience and sensitivity.
I conclude that the most loving thing is for me to let him know that I can’t forgive him until I’m sure he has truly repented at the heart level.
Is This Really Going Astray?
Perhaps in the scenario I’ve just presented, it’s hard for you to understand why my approach would be wrong.
It was clearly the loving thing to do to confront this brother in an effort to get him to turn from his sin. He himself agrees that he had sinned. Sin is definitely a matter of the heart, and the evidence is lacking that his verbal confession is truly heartfelt. How can it not be the loving thing to press the matter until I’m really sure the Lord has granted him true repentance?
I would submit to you that this would not be the loving thing, for at least two reasons.
First, it would be in direct opposition to Jesus’ very straightforward teaching on the subject. In Luke 17:4, Jesus requires of His followers that even if someone has sinned against us seven times a day, and returns to us seven times saying, “I repent”—that we must forgive him.
In comparison with the scenario I described above, the motives of the offender in Jesus’ scenario would be all the more suspect! Even if he had sinned against me seven times in the exact same way—all seven times returning to say he repented—and all in the same day, I would not be allowed to suspect his motives. I would simply be required to forgive him.
Secondly, my desire to withhold forgiveness and press the matter with my brother would not be loving, because it would be in direct contradiction of Paul’s exhortation in 1 Corinthians 4:5: “Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God.”
In context, Paul is addressing disunity among the Corinthians, which was resulting from a tendency some were manifesting of identifying with one Christian leader as opposed to another in divisive ways, on the basis of comparisons of those leaders’ external appeal. And part of Paul’s point is that for those who love and serve Christ, what matters is not external appeal or persuasive power or popularity, but the heart’s motivation.
So here—as in so many other parts of the Bible (Proverbs 4:23; Matthew 12:34; 15:18; Mark 7:21; Luke 6:45)—we have affirmation of the supreme importance of what’s in the heart.
But notice at the same time that we also have a strict prohibition of judging what is going on in someone else’s heart. Paul reminds us that we (from our limited human perspective) are not able to see into each other’s hearts.
Even though the heart is what matters to God, we are strictly forbidden from judging each another’s motives—that is a job that the Lord reserves exclusively for Himself.
So, How Can I Help My Brother?
Does all of this mean that I just need to forgive my brother, and that there is no further help I can give to him, even though I suspect him of insincerity in his response?
No, not exactly.
Let me give some encouragement that I think could be of help to anyone who finds him or herself in a situation like the one I’ve described.
First, remember that any time you see a speck in your brother’s eye, the Lord is reminding you that you have a log in your own eye (Matthew 7:1-5). Don’t even consider going to your brother before you have been humbled and dealt with your log.
Secondly, having removed the log from your own eye, note the significance of the imagery Jesus uses in Matthew 7: the task of removing a speck from a part as sensitive as an eye requires the utmost gentleness and patience. Go in the spirit of love, determined to hope and believe all things (1 Corinthians 13:7).
And if your loving, patient, humble, delicate efforts at addressing sin in your brother meet with his unwillingness to have his heart exposed, you can still be encouraged. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:5, it is just a matter of time until the motives of every man’s heart are exposed. And in many cases, that won’t have to wait until the Lord comes.
As we have often said (and seen) in the context of ministry at our local church, “time and truth go hand-in-hand.” This reflects the fact that the Lord has come to bring the light (John 1:9), and that He is a Father who is faithful to discipline His children unto repentance (Hebrews 12:4-11).
So you can walk patiently and hopefully with your brothers and sisters, wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove. You can withhold judgment of motives and instead pray for them. And as the Lord allows, faithfully hold up to them the mirror of the Word, so that what you can’t see, the Lord might expose and heal.
¹ Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations in this post are from the NASB translation. Emphasis added.